E2 Hot Tub Business Deals
Comedy Club co-President Harris Courson (2Y '26) declares his mission: bring soup to Gies Plaza. He appoints Cassidy Klein (2Y '26) as VP of Soup (in the E2 Hot Tub- fitting if you think about it) — an office with real weight, gravitas, and official duties that include "advocating for the ladle."
Student life responds to soup-serving inquiries with a comprehensive list of everything standing between Kellogg and a warm bowl of broth. Requirements for legal soup service: commercial-grade heating equipment, a food permit from the City of Evanston, designated handwashing stations, and — the one that really stings — sneeze guards. Soup, the email explains, "contains ingredients that can rapidly grow bacteria." "It was devastating," Courson said.
Courson, studying on the Spanish Steps, smells something. It is soup. It is in Gies Plaza. He did not put it there.
The Kellogg Marketing Club is openly, brazenly serving Pitmaster Soup in the exact location deemed too dangerous for soup.No sneeze guards.No handwashing stations.Completing the betrayal: one of the two people behind the ladle is Comedy Club member Tai Chorvat (2Y '27). When raised with Student Life, the response: the Marketing Club is "grandfathered in."
"we are being humiliated rn,oh and guess who is two tables away — office of student life"
Courson immediately placed a call to his VP of Soup and told her to get to Gies Plaza to help with this PR Nightmare for the club.
But that is when the second betrayal hits. Klein was fake-tanning, and therefore unable to be in attendance.
Courson releases an official statement declaring war on the Office of Student Life, effective immediately. He christens November 6th "a day that will live in infamy." The statement pivots: where, exactly, was the VP of Soup during all of this? Cassidy Klein was in E2 applying self-tanner. She did not respond to her call of duty. Courson indicts her on five charges: Dereliction of Duty, Neglect, Reckless Endangerment, and Sedition. In the same message, he invents a judicial branch of the Comedy Club from scratch.
In the week before trial, the war rages on inside Kellogg. You can feel the tensions. Everyone is on edge. People are fighting over spots in the room for the trial.
Free Cassidy shirts are made and sold. Her fans amass. Harris' are just as powerful it seems.
Klein arrives having posted a "get ready with me to go on trial" TikTok and enters to mixed cheers and boos. The Defense (Maggos) opens with:
Ladies and gentlemen (and Harris) of the Soupreme Court, We are gathered here today to address a travesty, a scandal, and an outrage so great it has shaken the Kellogg community to its very core: the day Harris was out of the know about soup at Gies Plaza.
And yet, somehow—somehow—we are expected to believe that this catastrophe can be placed on the shoulders of one woman.A woman who was, at the time, engaged in the medically necessary, data-backed, sociologically critical act of fake tanning.
A woman whose only crime… is glowing too brightly for this institution.
Today, the prosecution will try to convince you that Cassidy Klein caused the Soup Problem. They are Wrong.
The defense counters an attack with a pyramid chart of who's actually to blame: Harris at the top (Primary Culprit), Tai Chorvat and Student Life in the middle (Enablers). Evidence is entered. The prosecution submits a photo of Klein happily ladling soup at Gordon's with no evident distress. The defense submits a legally binding slide from itsthelaw.gov establishing that tanning is soup promotion — meaning Klein was performing soup duties all along.
Harris takes the stand. The defense produces Exhibit #Chicken Noodle: a collage of evidence is presented to show a profound lack of presidential judgment.
Radha (the officer of student life) testifies. The Prosecution (Fox) somehow manages to publicly criticize Klein and back Courson.
Comedy Club's Director of Soup, Alli Berry, provides expert testimony that fake tanning is "mission-critical bronzification." Then, unannounced, Business Law Professor Mark McCareins takes the stand and declares Klein should be exonerated.
The room gasps.
Klein's mother then appears via video to express disappointment in her daughter.
Judge Alex Fowkes (2Y '26) delivers the verdict. The room erupts. Raj Dwivedi (2Y '26) handcuffs Courson and escorts him from the room. His sentence: souped and feathered. In the trial's perfect final indignity, the event runs out of soup — at the trial of the VP of Soup — before proceedings end. Note: juror Brett Camacho (2Y '26) attempted to vote approximately 15 additional times to send Klein "straight to jail." He was unsuccessful. The defense's official statement thanked supporters and reminded the community that gratitude, like good soup, should be "warm, but never boiling."
